June 9th, 2004

i hate when i get all emo drunk.

and get angry and start to cry because he decided to be a dick and go to sleep and i didnt feel like being alone.

new realization.. lately im terrified to be alone at night.

more weird shit has been happening than i care to think about.

i think i will get a new piercing or tattoo today.

mike gave me a bloody lip last night. on accident. i like the way my lip fleshy stuff tastes and how every now and then i get that iron taste of blood in my mouth.

my selfimage is fucked. little john calls me fat all the time. while everyone at school says i look good. then mike yells at john and says im not fat. then tara yells at me if i start picking at my skin or poking my fat.

meh. i dont like this. im not going to drink for a couple days. my body cant fucking take it. i should be doing work. but fuck that.


i wish i had the courage to call my dad and tell him i dont want him to come to my graduation, or to be a part of my life at all.


i love swimming.


"All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed I've never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings waiting to begin"

last night i dreamed i was talking to the sky. i fell on my knees, and recited the one prayer i have always loved..

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

i prayed last night. i dont pray much so it felt sorta awkward.


im trying to be strong and accepting. but sometimes i feel like God hates me, but then i remember im not that important.

meh, i need a hug. i usually hate hugs but, damn, i could use one.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely

so

+ our student teacher chris hooked me up with some coffee.. sorta nasty but damn good because i need it.
- almost everyone is outside playing whiffleball and i cant play because my project isnt done
- im pretty close to just erupting into a hysterical fit of sobbing and throwing things




im just gonna find some random survey to fill out until i can get ahold of myself so i can do my schoolwork. meh.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

damn... i wasted 2 hours.

What makes you laugh?: a lot of things, people making funny faces, telling the most un pc jokes possible, people getting hurt (like when your friend is being dumb and falls off their bike, thats funny), just random shit. little kids.
Who is your hero?: n/a
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?: erm... why? this question could be interpreted in a few different ways. but i'll be good. uhm. tie me to my car. can that count?
How many pairs of shoes do you own?: erm. i have no idea.. a lot.
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?: *shrug*
Who do you blame for your mood today?: myself.
If the Internet were sex... I would: uhh.. be seriously disappointed.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: yes. its. not fun.
What is something scientists need to invent?: a cure for the human condition.
What should we do with stupid people?: shut the fuck up.
Have you ever broken a bone?: sadly, yes. my pinky toe. boofuckinghoo.
Do you watch local news? Why?: occasionally.. out of boredom and most tv shows suck. tv in general sucks.
What happens after you die?: energy changes form.
How big is your bed? Big enough?: my bed is the floor. so as big as the floor.
How long do you think you will live?: i dont know.
+ Basics +
Are you emotional :: haha. yes.
Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few :: yes, well, sometimes. it really varies. i dont cry in front of people but when im by myself any song that i can relate to can make me cry. one thing that is consistant though is whenever steve plays stairway to heaven i want to cry. and i dont know why, its just so damn beautiful. did i ever tell you that dude?
What about movies :: meh. the only way i'll cry over a movie is if im depressed and already on the verge of crying.
What emotion do you usually feel :: angry and lonely.
+ Sadness +
What does it take to make you cry your heart out :: in front of people.. a hell of a lot.. usually i have to be really angry to cry in front of people. by myself. i could cry if i saw a fucking caterpillar get run over.
How many times have you done that :: more times than i wish to remember.
Where do you cry :: usually in my car when im driving alone, outside in the field, or sometimes when i cant help it i cry in bed at night. i do that a lot lately.
Do you hate crying :: yes. it makes me feel horrible and dirty and guilty and weak.
Do you like it when others cry :: usually it bothers the fuck out of me, unless im so angry that i get to this point where i get really cruel, and then i laugh at people when they cry.
Do you think tears make eyes look pretty :: depends on the situation, but often, yes.
Who looks good when they cry :: *shrug*
How else do you express sadness :: apathy. i get very quiet and serious. and i get really out of it. and then my temper usually gets very very short and explosive.
Are you sad all the time :: not all of the time. lately id say i am about 80% of the time though..
+ Anger +
What does it take to make you mad ::not a hell of a lot. people ordering me around, when people lie to me, feeling like my time is being wasted, people hurting animals, my friends using me, my dad not being there for me, death, the way people treat each other, the list goes on and on..
What do you do when you're angry :: various things, scream, punch walls, punch myself, attack people (not too often though.. im not like some fucking nutjob who just randomly attacks people, i just fight when its clear that thats the only way the situation can be resolved) pace, i twitch a lot when im mad, clench my jaw, do this weird tapping thing with my fingers, my hands, neck, and face get hot and red, run, walk, drive, sit down by myself and rock back and forth. etc, etc..
How short is your temper :: it varies, but usually, its damn short. im pretty quick to verbally rip someone a new asshole.
How long does it take you to calm down :: if i get really angry to the point where i turn red and shake, it can take anywhere from an hour to a day or so for me to fully calm down.
What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad :: uhm. it needed to be done but i spit on this kid, kicked him, punched him, and then just walked out of school. that and when i was younger i ran away a lot.
Do you freak out when others are angry :: depends who. like older people, like my parents or anyone older that i respect. i get really scared and nervous and if people argue around me before i go to sleep i have really bad nightmares.
Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you :: yea.
What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad :: betrayed my trust.
Do you anger people :: damn right i do.
+ Joy +
How often are you happy :: i get fleeting moments of happiness every day or two.
What makes you happy :: good conversations, debates, etc. when my friends stnad up for me and get all protective over me, just goofing off and joking around, little kids, when i feel like i actually can trust someone.
What do you do when you're happy :: Smile a lot, laugh, get really energetic and my good moods seem to be contagious as well as my bad ones.
How optimistic are you :: when im in a good spot mentally, i am by nature an optimistic person.
Do happy people make you mad :: sometimes..
What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy :: try and make you smile when you arent happy. thats pretty much a way of saying "hey fuck you im happy so you need to be happy and i dont care about you i just want you to fake a smile so that i dont have to waste my happiness by worrying about you"
Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone :: yes.
Ever been so happy you cried :: a very few times.
Do you smile a lot :: depends on my mood.
Kiss people a lot:: no.
Who really makes you happy :: my friends when they arent being assholes
Do you like doing things for people when you're happy :: yes, when im happy i'll bend over backwards and do anything possible to help someone out.
+ Fear +
What do you do when you're scared :: usually i get really shaky and jumpy. and clingy. i cling to people when im scared. or if i get really scared i completely shut down and go into a trance type thing. and suck my thumb.
What scares you :: heights, spiders, small spaces, deep water, jumping into water, death, people, sleep acutally freaks me out sometimes, the dark, guys that are a lot bigger than me, public speaking, being alone in crowded plces, thinking that i'll never find more than a couple people who actually know what it is to be a friend, leaving my asshole friends in a couple months, etc etc
Do you like scaring people :: when i get in one of my hyper moods, oh yea.
Do you like the trill of being frightened :: thrill you fuck. and yea, sometimes i really dig that adrenaline rush.
Does fear accompany anger in your case :: sometimes.
Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe :: yup.
How often do you panic :: i have an anxiety disorder so quite often, but whenever i know that i need to keep it together in really bad situations, i dont panic until afterwards when everyone is safe and blahblahblah.
What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER :: feeling like im going to be broken forever.
What do you do to calm your nerves :: walk, lay down in a quiet dark room, smoke up, drink, and if need be take some ativan.
Do rollercoasters scare you :: yes yes yes.
+ The strongest emotion +
What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going :: it really depends.
Movie :: donnie darko is always a good bet.
Commericial :: meh.
Person :: my dad.
Thing :: my various vehicles.
Sight :: fire
Sound :: yelling, fighting
Food :: uhm. i dont know.
Thing you're looking forward to/want :: getting the fuck out of here.
+ What do you do +
When the emotion sucks :: sit here quietly feeling shitty.
When the emotion rocks :: get hyper and smile and laugh a lot.
When there's no emotion :: thats the worst thing sometimes. the numbness. i usually lay there and stare at the wall, ceiling, out the window, etc etc for hours without moving or speaking.
+ Would you rather +
Never feel again :: huh? never feel again or what? anyway, the answer is i would never want to not feel. emotion is what makes me human and i need to feel even if i feel horrible.
Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life :: im so tired of being lonely. so anger, there are ways to control anger, but loneliness just fucking tugs at your heart and mind nonstop and theres nothing you can do to satiate it.
Be happy forever and never experience bad times :: no, because there is no good without bad, no dark without light, no up without down.
Cause misery :: maybe to the people who deserve it. but then again, who am i to judge and decide on who deserves to be miserable.
Feel misery :: occasionally, just because it helps you appreciate the good times even more.
Be alone :: sometimes..
Be with everyone you know :: no, im really picky about who i hang out with at what times and i dont like hanging out with certain combinations of my friends.
+ Who +
Cheers you up more than anyone else :: gah, steve and mike are probably the best at making me cheer up because they do stupid shit and you dont want to laugh but you haave to. fuckers.
Angers you more than anyone else :: mike. and tara. they both make me want to fucking slam my head into a wall until blood pours out of my ears.
Scares you more than anyone else :: myself.
Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else :: steve, just because i can talk to him on a level that i havent found many other people that are even aware that there is such a level.
Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think :: anyone who i truly call a friend.
Typically my day:
Starts at__________ oclock: a little before 7am during the week and around 9am on the weekends.
The first thing I usually think: something like why the fuck does tara have to put that shit music on right now or, oh jesus i dont want to get up.
The first thing I usually do: roll over and groan.
If I eat breakfast, it is usually __________: a bagel.
I shower no later than: i dont shower everyday.. but uh i usually shower between 8pm and 9:45pm
I wash my __________ first: body really quickly
I wash my __________last: body again. my hair is in the middle.
I check my email by ________oclock: uh, i dont check my email unless im at school or visiting my mom.
If I leave the house I am going to: school, work, jeremy's, steve's, my mom's, or the store.
I eat lunch by __oclock: 1 usually.
I usually eat __________ for lunch: not much of anything.
Amount of time I spend getting ready to leave the house: it can be anywhere from 1 minute to 45 minutes. usually about 20.
Amount of time I spend cleaning up my house/room: ha, i hate cleaning.
As for today
I woke up at: i finally got up at like 7:05, but i woke up the first time at 6:45
I have eaten: waffles.
I have gone to: school. and the store.
I have had __________ emails: 0
I have been to these websites: livejournal.com, some sites about the seven deadly sins, lyrics, and google.com
I am wearing: my pink lowtops, well they used to be pink, socks, red pants, underwear, a white and black stripey shirt dealie, black zip up hoodies, my glasses, my watch, 3 bracelets, my chain necklace, 1 earring, a bra, uhmm.. a hairtie.
I wish I was: not here
Tomorrow I plan on
waking up at: same as today, sans the hangover
spending my day doing _________: a whole lotta nothing at school.
talking to: whoever i feel like speaking with.
listening to: music, my car, and hopefully me gasping in pain because i want a new tattoo or piercing within the next couple of days.
thinking of: the future.
laughing about: i dont know.
goodbye: no, more like, see you later.
cassiedotcom First Ten.. About You
#1) What do you wish was your name? im actually damn happy with my first and middle names. they fit me well.
#2) What song seems to reflect you the most? at this moment circle - slipknot
#3) What thing always makes your day when it happens/ you see it? when i feel happy and then my friends all are nice to me and we go play outside.
#4) If you could change one of your qualitites, what would it be and why? i would be a lot more emotionally stable because im sorta hard to deal with because of my temper and totally random moodswings. well they seem random to everyone but me and occasionally one of my friends who kows me well enough to know how certain little things set me off.
#5) What in your life influences you the most? the people around me.
#6) What has been your wildest/best/most interesting fantasy? Has it come true? *shrug* to find a way to make me and my loved ones immortal, and no, not yet it hasnt.
#7) Which feature of yours do you love? Which do you hate? i love how caring and protective i am, but i also hate it because i always get fucked over.
#8) If you had to have a picture be your symbol, what would it be and why? we made a logo in my visual communications class. mine was a locked diary. my teacher made me make a key. i dont know if id have the key just yet.
#9) What would you title the movie or soundtrack of your life? stupid fucking drunk cunt
#10) What are you most dissapointed with so far? my family.
Next Five....About Others
#1) What one quality makes a person worth being around? they're honest, interesting to talk to, dont take everyones shit, and like to have fun.
#2) What one thing about a friend always pisses you off? they lie and use me.
#3) Ok, now vent your worst people experience: no thank you.
#4) What is a major turn on? basically the same things thta make someone worth being around only a lot more emphasis on not taking shit from people. i fucking cant stand pansy ass wussy boys.
#5) If you could create the perfect person, what three qualities would they
have and what would they look like? honest, protective, interesting and i guess dark hair, darkish eyes, taller than me by like 3 - 5 inches. uhm. strong arms and shit. basically a big tough guy who isnt too strong but strong enough to make me feel safe.
Last Five....About Life
#1) What confuses you the most about life? it seems to short and fucked up.
#2) What things that go on that make you wanna scream? nearly everything.
#3) Which matters more, people's words or actions? Why? in the end. actions.
#4) Does love really make the world go round? Is love present in today's world? no, and sometimes.
#5) What one issue is most important to you? the paranormal, 6th sense, and learning what the brain is realy capable of.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious