June 16th, 2004

(no subject)

i go to two schools, regular highschool and an occupational school. i went to my graduation for my occ. school last night.

nothing hit me until last night.

i couldnt sleep. i laid awake almost all night. i slept for about 30 minutes.

im terrified of the future. of leaving. but im more scared not to go.

i just keep thinking of all these random people, and how i might not see them again for years, or ever.

i have to go finish this test and go to work.

things are not the same. and nothing seems all that right. except that i did it.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous

*deep sigh* this entry should be filtered, but im tired of being locked.

tara listed all these reasons she will miss me, this one stood out the most to me..

"listening to her fun but awkward and sad stories of everything that is out there"

yea. a few days ago steve and i went to this cemetary. it was pouring rain, i mean pouring, i was completely soaking wet after being outside for just a couple minutes. when we went to leave there was a little bird just sitting in the road. i stopped got out, and picked it up. it looked up at me for a few seconds, chirped, and jumped out of my hands. it ran underneath this tree, and disappeared. i coudlnt find it anywhere.

anyway, lately i keep dreaming that im talking to the bird, in the rain. the bad, horrible dream i had was this. the bird looked at me and said to me in my head "even if you have wings, it doesnt mean you can fly away."

doesnt sound so bad, except that ever since i was little. whenever things got really bad in my head or one of the many times i had to run and hide in the woods, snow, etc, and i started going into one of my trances.. i would rock back and forth and say "if i had wings i would fly away." over and over again until i completely blanked out, or calmed down.

i want to cry because it feels like everything has gone from me. tara and i are just as close, but shes pushing me away and fucking her life up royally, if that makes sense. mike and i dont get along as well a lot of the time, i think he pretty much just uses me. and he definitely prefers steve over me, which hey, whatever. im not jealous, its just like one more person going "oh hey, you were cool to hang out with but i like so-and-so better so just gimme your shit and leave me alone."
he pisses me off because he acts like i owe him everything. as does tara. the other day tara and i got in this huge fight and i started to go to steve's house. i turned around because i cant lie to him and right now he's my only close friend that i dont feel all sad and confused about. so i know i would have picked him up, started telling him whats wrong, and sobbing my eyes out. meh. so i just bullshitted with joel and tara. i sort of really, completely, dislike joel.

things have changed so much, so fast, in the last two years. getting through school, being hospitalized, moving, getting kicked out, running away, car crashes, 4wheeling accidents, partying, seeing first hand how families can actually be close, seeing my younger self through being around tara and realizing how stupid i was, how stupid i am. being in mr. a's class. i need to stop, i am going to cry.

so, im ready. i can deal. i keep worrying over stupid little things. and big ones. a close friend of them family is in the hospital for a blood infection. i just found out. my mom has skin cancer, its more than likely the least worst kind to have, but it scares me nonetheless. i need to get all my stuff cleaned up and sorted, sell a bunch of old clothes, try and sell my old car, get some extra credit work turned in by tomorrow, reschedual my doctors appointment, get ready for my graduation party, spend time with everyone, get ready for graduation, prepare myself to see my father if i can even call him that, and mostly, get my head on right so i can leave before i fall apart. chaos is what i thrive on, but a lot of the people around me are having such a hard time, and it feels like hardly anyone even knows me anymore.

i guess im done venting, the kids are watching a movie so i'll go straighten the kitchen up a bit.

i can do this, i just feel like i was captain of my ship and most of my crew has mutinied against me, marooned me on some horrible island, and left me to die.

alas, that is why i must remember life is all i have, and its going so fast. i must be able to depend on myself in order to make it. im not there yet, but im sure leaving will help me find my way.

i think its great how everyone has pushed college on us since we were small, and now all the teachers and other adults who ask what im doing next are happy and supportive of me traveling for awhile.
  • Current Music
    winnie the freaking pooh. arrrrrrgh.