(no subject)

When you step into an elevator and see a friend you: something like "hey _______, what are you doing?" or "EEEEEEEEEE! yo man whats going on?!"
An aquaintence: "hey"
Someone you've met once or twice: a very quiet "hi"
A stranger?: usually just a nod and a smile, or a quite highpitched hi.
How often do you end up listening to people's problems when you really don't care?: more than you'll ever know
How far do you let people go before you tell them off?: it takes a lot and then i just completely snap.
What does a friend have to do to be kicked out of your life?: completely fuck me over, and probably a few times.
How do you react to phone sales(wo)men?: sometimes i listen politely, other times i just hang up, and when im in one of my "moods" i fuck with them until they wished they never called.
How often to people just randomly start talking to you?: quite often.
Do you try to escape them, talk to be polite, or really enjoy talking with a stranger?: usually try to escape them.
How do you feel, react, ect, to people when you first meet them?: very shy, nervous, self-conscious.. weary..
How long does it take you to warm up to people?: depends on the person.
Are you usually invited to go on outings with friends/coworkers/schoolmates/whoever?: yup.
After a party how do you usually feel about your night?: usually very worn out from being around so many people.

What is your view, in general, on rules?: i follow the ones i feel make sense..
Do you ever call in sick to work/school/whatever when you aren't?: on occasion..not usually though. i only do so if i just really need some fun time or a mental health day.
When out with your SO, a friend comes over and starts hanging all over him/her. How do you react?: i dont have a s/o.. but i'd either not give a shit or kill the cunt, it could really go either way.
Have you ever hooked up with someone you knew was attached? If yes, would you again? If not, would you ever?: yes, yes i would again. im a bad person like that.
The last time someone tore into you for doing something wrong (that was something you did do), what was it?: uhm.my mom flipped out on me because she was just being crazy during my graduation party,
How did you react to this person?: screamed, punched shit, cried, and then got high.
Your boss (or parents or friends or whatever) wants your ass for work this weekend, but you are packed with plans. Do you work, play or compromise?: work, maybe compromise, but more than likely work.
What do you consider being mischievous: doing sneaky, but not horrible or meanhearted shit. just funny little stuff.
You're borrowing a shirt and stain it. Do you... return and apologize, return and let it go unnoticed, return and blame stain on lender, buy new shirt, etc?: apoligize and offer to replace it.
Do you cheer for the good guy or bad guy?: depends.. a lot of times the bad guy.

What do you consider to be the kinkiest thing you've done?: ahhhh.. id rather not say.
Whats the kinkiest you'll ever do?: well im hanging from the ceiling by my nipples while im typing so..
What do you think about masturbation?: whatever. not my thing.
Do you think masturbation should be a part of your sex life with your lover?: sure. why not.
When you're about to reach orgasm, what is usually going through your mind?: usually something like why are my legs fucking numb and trying not to scratch the person's skin off.. yea. im mean like that. i cant help it..
Is discussing sex with your partner scary for you, a turn on, just a healthy practice, etc?: *shrug* depends..
Do you fake orgasm? Do you do it often?: no.
How often do you like to have sex?: if i had my choice? probably like 3 times a day. *ahem*
How often does your partner like to have sex?: *shrug* dont know, dont care.
Do you feel comfortable communicating sexual desires?: not unless im drunk. otherwise im rather shy.
How is your sex life in general?: eh, its just begun.
What do you feel when you think of having sex with your partner?: uhm, hey i get to go fuck now! yay!
How long do you like foreplay to last?: depends, sometimes its nice but a lot of the time i just wanna fuck.
Does your partner fulfill your foreplay requirement?: depends.
What was your mind on the last time you had sex?: i dont remember.
How long does sex usually last (foreplay to climax)?: anywhere from 30 - 1 1/2hours usually.
How do you feel about dirty talk?: i dont know.
How often do you make the first move?: very, very rarely.

What's your ideal way to spend a dream evening?: playing outside, doing something like playing basketball or tag or laser tag or driving fast and then hanging out and going for a walk. and then have a few drinks. and fuck. yea.
The person you've been seeing for a month proposes. How do you react?: probably i'd scream fuck you and tell them to get the fuck away from me.
Which movie does your romantic life remind you of?: *shrug* a clockwork orange. no, no. im kidding. i dont fucking know. debbie does dallas? hahaha. no. shit.
What article of clothing would you most like to receive from your lover?: a skirt.
What type of gift in general?: a drawing.
Do you believe gifts are an integral part of romance?: no, but blowjobs are. ;x
Do you believe expensive dinners are an integral part of romance?: blech. no.
Are flowers?: no, but thats so cute.
What did you give your SO for valentine's day?: i have no s/o
What did your SO get for you?: n/a
What is your philosophy on love and falling in love?: maybe someday but i cant handle all the clingy shit now..
How do you know when you love someone?: *shrug*
When you still don't love someone but know you could, how do you know its possible?: i know i really do love certain people. that i could, anyway, but the situation is wrong and im not ready for it. i just know.
When did you know you loved the person you're with (or last person you were with)?: when i realized i worry about them all the time and that i would actually die for them and would do damn near anything to make life better for them.
What type of criteria do you have for a future life partner?: the list is so long that i am destined to have a life full of flinbgs and maybe nothing more.
When you are in love with your SO, do you expect things to change at all in your relationship? How? Does this ever happen?: everything needs to change or it gets old.
What was the first thing that attracted you to your most recent partner?: last time i had an s/o i loved their caring sweet innocent personality.
What is the most important aspect of a love relationship?: for me? trust.
How often does your SO compliment you?: n/a
How often do you want to be complimented?: not often, compliments make me very uneasy.
How often do you compliment them?: often.
If you got sick would your SO do all they can to take care of you, or would they run away?: be there.
Does your SO make enough time for you?: n/a
Does your SO surprise you with gifts?: n/a
You guys can't agree on what movie to rent. Do you tend to give in to your SO, compromise, or get your own way?: give in a lot of them time.
What's your opinion on people who do everything for their SO?: i want to vomit on them.
If there's something your SO loves to do and you hate, would you do it with them, make a compromise, or say no way?: id probably do it.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: lust.
Who's more apt to campaign for a night at home rather than out with friends?: n/a
Who refers to the other in the possessive more often?: n/a
Who bares your soul more readily?: n/a but i doubt it would be me.

Have you ever had dreams of yourself walking down the aisle?: no
Do you know what kind of engagement ring you want?: all i want is a claddaugh, if, iiiiiiiiif, i could ever settle down.
Wedding ring?: ^
Do you read bridal magazines?: hell no.
When you go shopping do you notice things you'd like to incorporate into your wedding?: hahaha.
Do you have a set age you want to be married by, or an age that you won't get married until you reach it?: i dont want to get married before 30.
Your dream dress will make you look/feel like (ex. a princess, madonna turned bride, casual yet elegant, wearing jeans): something very elegant, with lace. and studs.
What type of bridal party do you want? (small group of those you love, every friend you have, no party): small group.
Will you let your groom see you before you go down the aisle?: no, im superstitious as fuck sometimes.
Your bridal shower will be like: it will so be at a strip joint.
If you modelled your wedding after someone else, what would it be like? (movie or celeb wedding): fuck you.
What do you think about wedding etiquette?: fuck it.
Will the reception be classic, a drunken ho down, or something in the middle?: oh, it will so be a drunken ho down.
What kind of gifts, if any, will you register for?: uh..
Your dream guest list includes (ex. closest friends, everyone you know, just witnesses): close friends and family.
Who should pay for your wedding?: you.
You want the guests to look (casual, elegent, how they want): however they feel comfortable.
What do you want the topper on your wedding cake to be?: a bride and groom with angels around them..
What is your dream honeymoon spot:? a beach somewhere really rural and quiet and peaceful.

How many children do you want?: 3 or 5..
What do you hope their sex is?: boys, and i think my first will be a girl. damn girls..
Do you have name ideas?: Yes
What do you hope they're like as a baby?: healthy.
Toddler?: smart
Child?: not a fucktard
Preteen?: ^
Teen?: happy
Adult?: happy and not an asshole
Parent?: a damn good one, patient and loving.
Friend?: loyal, trustworthy
Student?: *shrug*
Any preferences on looks?: yea, i want my kids to be hot. shut the hell up man.
  • Current Mood
    bored bored

you that faggot ass nigger tryin to hold me back right?

as of late im good. decent. spend most of my time with steve and little john. <333 to little kids.

life right now is about having fun. riding bikes, swimming, partying, just doing kid shit.

im gonna miss steve a lot. but psh, i'll hunt him down.

the future is plunging over the edge of the cliff. im inching my way to the edge.

i am so ready for my life.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

[name:] erika.
[Star sign:] sag.
[sexual orientation:] straight.
[longest relationship:] i think like 3 months.. who knows.
[ever had a long distance relationship:] yes.
[do you have faith in long distance relationships:] no.
[ever been on a blind date:] no way.
[ever dated more than one person at a time:] no.
[ever have "friends with benefits":] bwahaw. oh yea.
[ever cheated:] not i.
[ever had your heart broken:] sure.
[ever been dumped:] yea.
[number of people slept with:] only one, for now.. just you wait! bwahaw.
[do you kiss on the first date:] i dont date.
[what attracts you to a person:] interesting personality, fun, smart, blahblah.
[physical traits you turn your head for:] eyes and having a dick helps.
[ever been in love:] no.
[say I love you even though you didn't mean it:] yea.
[average age you get involved with:] ahem. i dont date. and as far as.. i guess the average age would be 15 ;x
[have relationships changed you:] you know it.
[have your relationships been worthwhile:] no.
[where do you normally meet people for dating or relationships:] i dont.
[would you ever get married:] maybe, but at this point in my life, hell no.
[key to a successful relationship:] trust, honesty, loyalty, fun, excitement, spontaneity.

Wallet? spongebob!
Hairbrush? hafta use a pik. i have some curly hair foo!
Toothbrush? i think its red.... or maybe green?
Jewelry worn daily? jelly bracelets, my blue watch, the 2 bracelets mike made me, skull necklace tommy gave me, ring my granny gave me, hemp ankle bracelet, chain mike gave me, my lip ring, and usually a blue hoop in my upper ear.
Pillow cover? yellow. weird, mustard yellow.
Blanket? used to be white. with my red sheet.
Coffee cup? who cares as long as there's coffee in it.
Sunglasses? no.
Underwear? stripes. lots of striped.
Favorite shirt? hmm.. i love my hoodies.
Cologne/Perfume? lavender, and that guys axe stuff. god i love that smell.
CD in stereo right now? hatebreed.
Tattoos? my ankle. nautical star.
Piercings? ears, left side lip.
What you are wearing now? corduroy pants, leopard skirt, zebra tank top. yellow hoodie with a blue turtle on it.
In my mouth? oj
In my head? leave
Wishing? i wasnt bleeding from the crotch.
What are you doing after this? reading books to zac.
If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? no one.
Person you wish you could see right now? *sigh* i'll never say
Is next to you? zac
Some of your favorite movies? blow, requiem for a dream, american beauty, pirates of the carribean, pretty in pink, donnie darko, a clockwork orange, trainspotting, drumline (dont ask), the fast and the furious movies(i love the fucking cars), lotr trilogy, shrek, detroit rock city, super troppers, the birds, the omen, i could go on and on
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month?: moving
The last thing you ate? bagel and hashbrown
Something that you are deathly afraid of? death.
Do you like candles? way too much.
Do you like incense? mhm.
Do you like the taste of blood? i fucking love it.
Do you believe in love? yea.
Do you believe in soul mates? yes.
Do you believe in love at first sight? eh.. lust yes.. love.. sometimes
Do you believe in Heaven? i dont know.
Do you believe in God? yes.
What do you want done with your body when you die? thrown in the woods so at least some animals will get a good meal. donate my organs and shit first though.
What is the latest you've ever stayed up? a few weeks straight.
Can you eat with chopsticks? not correctly.
What's your favorite coin? quarters. cuz you blow dogs for them.
What are some of your favorite candies? gum.
What's something that you wish people would understand? me.
What's something you wish you could understand better? myself.
Who is someone that you really wish was still around? greatgrandpa.

Kissed someone: yes.
Killed someone: no.
Smoked: yes.
Gotten Drunk: today? no.
Worn rainbow: yes.
Talked on the phone for over 3 hours: yes.
Left the country: yes.
Had a party with over 30 people: yes.
Taken nude pictures: no.
Stolen something: yes.
Caught something on fire: yes.
Wanted to cheat on someone: yes.
Asked someone out: yes.
Dumped someone: yes.
Had a dream, then the next day it happens: all the time.

You Touched: zac.
You Talked to in person: zac.
You hugged/kissed: tara hugged me.
Had sex with: mike.
You Instant messaged: charles.
Who broke your heart: me.

Understanding: usually.
Insecure: yes.
Interesting: yes.
Smart: sometimes.
Moody: yes. hell yes.
Difficult: yes.
Attractive: no.
Bore Easily: no bored so much as stir crazy.
Controlling: unfortunately yes.
Sad: yes.
Happy: sometimes.
Trusting: no.
Talkative: sometimes.
Ignored: yes.
Reliable: depends.
Lonely: usually.

-Tacos?: yum.
-Bread?: fuck yea.
-Veggies?: yea.
-Pizza?: fuck yes.
-Doritoes?: yes.
-Pretzels?: sometimes.
-Chocolate?: once a month.
-Garlic?: yea.
-Veal?: yea.
-Chicken?: yessssssssss.
-Ice cream?: occasionally, not a huge ice cream person.
-Hot Pockets?: meh. yea.
-Popcorn?: yes!
-Pop Tarts?: sometimes.
-Salad?: yessssssss.
-Coke?: yesyesyesyesyesyes. in all its forms. mm. cherry..
-Pepsi?: meh.
-Gatorade?: meh..

-Bungee jumped?: no.
-Gotten a tattoo?: yes.
-Sky dived?: no, tara wants me to. uhm.
-Skinny dipped?: no.
-Gotten your tongue stuck to a cold pole?: no.
-Had pop rocks and coke together?: yes.
-Played truth or dare?: yes.
-Kissed for more than 10 minutes at one time?: yea.
-Puked on someone you really liked?: i puked on tara.. does that count?
-Mixed sodas together?: yes.
-Had sushi?: no.
-Had dejavu?: yes.
-Hung up on someone?: yes.
-Used all cuss words in a sentence?: on a daily basis..
-Stood on your head and drank milk?: no.
-Cried during a movie: yes.
-Swallowed gum?: yes.
-Eaten glue?: no.
-Slept for more than 15 hrs?: yes.


1. What do you most like about your body?: my lips, and i have super sexy ankles.
2. And least?: everything else.
3. How many fillings do you have?: *shrug*
4. Do you think you're good looking?: no.
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: sometimes. but they're lying.

[ Fashion ]
1. Do you wear a watch?: always. i flip out without it.
2. How many coats and jackets do you own?: a ton.
3. Favorite pants/skirt color?: black.
4. Most expensive items of clothing?: my prom dress..
5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: boots, chucks, and shoes that make me taller than anyone should be. ever.
6. Describe your style in one word: bagladypunkcrustyhomelesstrandywalmartmmodbitchfuckingslut

[ Your Friends ]
1. Do your friends 'know' you?: most, no.
2. What do they tend to be like?: *shrug* sorta eccentric. partiers.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: i can be sorta random. really funny and hyper. i make them laugh. and i have a bad temper so its fun to watch me flip. and yea i can just me really loud and childish. im also a good listener and always back my friends up.
4. How many people do you tell everything to?: no one.

[ Music/TV/Film/Books ]
2. Most listened to bands/artists: im not doing this today.
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: fuck yes.
4. Can you play an instrument: not really.
5. Type of music most listened to?: punk, rock, and rap.
6. Type never listened to?: polka.
7. Tour of your dreams?: shut up.

[ Clothing/Hair ]
1. Do you own any plaid clothing?: yes.
2. Do you own Converse shoes?: yes.
3. Do you own Saucony shoes?: no.
4. Do you own old school Nikes?: no.
5. Do you wear tight pants?: sometimes.
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants?: sometimes.
8. Do you own a messenger bag?: yes. i dont use it anymore though.
9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest?: used to.
10. Do you own braces?: yea.
15. Do you think mohawks are "neat"?: yea.
18. Do you own a bandana?: a few.
19. Do you wear plugs in your ears?: was going to.. lost my damn taper..
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute?: many times.
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them?: yes.

[ Habits/Beliefs ]
31. Do you smoke cigarettes?: yes.
32. Do you smoke cloves?: not usually.
36. Do your night time activites usually involve drunken underage vomiting?: no, i dont usually puke. this girl can hold her booze thank you.
38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week?: sometimes.
39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower?: yea. the other day tara made me shower. damn her.
41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is?: yes.
42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac?: yes.
44. Are you a member of the Makeout Club?: fuck no.
45. Do you say "rad"?: every now and then
46. Do you say "rockin'"?: nope
47. Do you say punk "rawk"?: no.
48. Do you shout the word "oi"?: sometimes.
49. Do you say "punk's not dead"?: nope.
50. Do you say "punk is dead"?: nope.

[ Music ]
53. Do you like bands with "the"?: sometimes.
54. Do you ever precede your own name with "the" at the beginning?: haha, no, but i should. the erika. i am the erika.
57. Are Blink 182 fans posers?: uh, no. if they like blink182.. what would make them posers. jesus.
58. Do you have frequent debates over what exactly constitutes a sellout?: no. get the fuck over it. mind your own damn buisness. stop shaking your dick and just fucking listen to the music. fuck politics.
59. Have you ever brought the headlining band food?: haha yea. back when i cared.
60. Do you have show flyers affixed to your walls?: used to..

i guess im weird like a boy

steve and i are cool now. of course im still a bit angry and hurt. but we talked yesterday and i was thinking.. what would i have done? probably the same damn thing. i understand him a little i guess. i get it. we're both at the point where we hate hurting everyone but we have to do our own thing or we'll go mad.

tara was like "wtf?" when i told her he and i were cool. its a guy thing to be that pissed and just get over it. ever notice that?

erm. my dad will be here tomorrow. and saturday is my party and graduation. im so scared and happy and nervous i could just piss.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

*deep sigh* this entry should be filtered, but im tired of being locked.

tara listed all these reasons she will miss me, this one stood out the most to me..

"listening to her fun but awkward and sad stories of everything that is out there"

yea. a few days ago steve and i went to this cemetary. it was pouring rain, i mean pouring, i was completely soaking wet after being outside for just a couple minutes. when we went to leave there was a little bird just sitting in the road. i stopped got out, and picked it up. it looked up at me for a few seconds, chirped, and jumped out of my hands. it ran underneath this tree, and disappeared. i coudlnt find it anywhere.

anyway, lately i keep dreaming that im talking to the bird, in the rain. the bad, horrible dream i had was this. the bird looked at me and said to me in my head "even if you have wings, it doesnt mean you can fly away."

doesnt sound so bad, except that ever since i was little. whenever things got really bad in my head or one of the many times i had to run and hide in the woods, snow, etc, and i started going into one of my trances.. i would rock back and forth and say "if i had wings i would fly away." over and over again until i completely blanked out, or calmed down.

i want to cry because it feels like everything has gone from me. tara and i are just as close, but shes pushing me away and fucking her life up royally, if that makes sense. mike and i dont get along as well a lot of the time, i think he pretty much just uses me. and he definitely prefers steve over me, which hey, whatever. im not jealous, its just like one more person going "oh hey, you were cool to hang out with but i like so-and-so better so just gimme your shit and leave me alone."
he pisses me off because he acts like i owe him everything. as does tara. the other day tara and i got in this huge fight and i started to go to steve's house. i turned around because i cant lie to him and right now he's my only close friend that i dont feel all sad and confused about. so i know i would have picked him up, started telling him whats wrong, and sobbing my eyes out. meh. so i just bullshitted with joel and tara. i sort of really, completely, dislike joel.

things have changed so much, so fast, in the last two years. getting through school, being hospitalized, moving, getting kicked out, running away, car crashes, 4wheeling accidents, partying, seeing first hand how families can actually be close, seeing my younger self through being around tara and realizing how stupid i was, how stupid i am. being in mr. a's class. i need to stop, i am going to cry.

so, im ready. i can deal. i keep worrying over stupid little things. and big ones. a close friend of them family is in the hospital for a blood infection. i just found out. my mom has skin cancer, its more than likely the least worst kind to have, but it scares me nonetheless. i need to get all my stuff cleaned up and sorted, sell a bunch of old clothes, try and sell my old car, get some extra credit work turned in by tomorrow, reschedual my doctors appointment, get ready for my graduation party, spend time with everyone, get ready for graduation, prepare myself to see my father if i can even call him that, and mostly, get my head on right so i can leave before i fall apart. chaos is what i thrive on, but a lot of the people around me are having such a hard time, and it feels like hardly anyone even knows me anymore.

i guess im done venting, the kids are watching a movie so i'll go straighten the kitchen up a bit.

i can do this, i just feel like i was captain of my ship and most of my crew has mutinied against me, marooned me on some horrible island, and left me to die.

alas, that is why i must remember life is all i have, and its going so fast. i must be able to depend on myself in order to make it. im not there yet, but im sure leaving will help me find my way.

i think its great how everyone has pushed college on us since we were small, and now all the teachers and other adults who ask what im doing next are happy and supportive of me traveling for awhile.
  • Current Music
    winnie the freaking pooh. arrrrrrgh.

(no subject)

i go to two schools, regular highschool and an occupational school. i went to my graduation for my occ. school last night.

nothing hit me until last night.

i couldnt sleep. i laid awake almost all night. i slept for about 30 minutes.

im terrified of the future. of leaving. but im more scared not to go.

i just keep thinking of all these random people, and how i might not see them again for years, or ever.

i have to go finish this test and go to work.

things are not the same. and nothing seems all that right. except that i did it.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous